Tommy who?

These one liners were sent to me by a friend and some made me laugh out loud. They are said to be in the style of the late Tommy Cooper, who was a famous English comedian (for those who are young and/or outside of the UK). Although he died over 20 years ago, he is fondly remembered for his (purposefully) bungled magic tricks and one liners that were so silly, they were funny. So in the style of Tommy...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Moooo' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there...