Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe jokes 2012

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

Yoinked from Twitter #1 - #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

Children's books made more exciting...
 

Bi-Curious George

 

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Bone

 

Paddington Bare

 

Little Red Riding Ho

 

The Bi-Polar Express

 

Charlie Sheen and the Chocolate Factory

 

The Cat In The Hood

 

Peter Porn

 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Taliban

 

Charlotte's Webcam

 

Edinburgh - Best jokes 2011

The best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe have been announced (you can see the 2010 best of here)

Top ten best jokes:
1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”

And a selection of the worst (though I think some are still great!):
1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

2. Josh Howie – I've got nothing against the Chinese. Don't get me Wong.

3. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”

So much... too much

I have lots to blog about at the moment and need to get my thoughts down on the page.  While  I think about the content, here's a little joke that made me laugh...


Alien couple come down to earth and go to a swinging party.

They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms. The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a one inch willy. The woman says I'm not impressed!

The alien then twists his right ear and his willy grows to ten inches.

Now I am impressed says the woman.

The alien then twists his left ear and his willy becomes two inches thick and he gives the woman
the best seeing too she has ever had.

She meets up with her husband later and asks "how was it for you?"

Her hubby said 'f***ing shite, all she did was keep twisting my f***ing ears!"

Classic jokes

In the newspaper today, they listed a few classic jokes. I thought some were so brilliant, I had to share them with you...


You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
(Tim Vine)


A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says: 'Here boy'.
(Spike Milligan)


They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.
(Bob Monkhouse)


Thanks for cheering me up. I needed cheering up. I loaned a guy 8000 dollars for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
(Emo Philips)


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
(Ken Dodd)

Edinburgh - Best and worst jokes

The best and worst jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe have been announced and there are some great one-liners...

Top ten best jokes:

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And some of the "worst"…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

Who can pronounce Eyjafjallajökull?

The volcanic ash cloud from the volcano that no-one can pronounce has severely disrupted lives around the world. My brother and his family are stuck in Florida - he is losing income from not working and the 3 kids are missing school. Though I am sure that 2 of them wont be too upset at that.

Here are some witty comments from the 'net on the ash cloud - of course it’s probably a bit early for Icelandic volcano jokes and we should wait a while for the dust to settle (!), but here goes...

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change, I’ve been married to that bone-idle slob for 20 years.

I should be away in an aeroplane tomorrow morning as a surprise from Pete. All will be revealed when I post the next blog entry.. at which time I will be 40 years old. Oh my god... I mean God - if you believe in such things.

Ha, Ha, Shock, Wow #5

Following on from these previous postings, here are four more random items from the 'net for your pleasure and entertainment...

HA

HA

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

SHOCK

If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

WOW

I like blond guys and I have always liked Mitch Hewer
(who we first saw in Skins).
His dark hair look is equally as sexy:

Ha, Ha, Shock, Wow #4

Following on from these previous postings, here are four more random items from the 'net for your pleasure and entertainment...

Ha

Ha

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?!

Shock
More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year using products that were made for right-handed people.

Wow
Alex Pettyfer (has grown up rather well!)

Edinburgh festival funnies

These are the top ten jokes from this years Edinburgh festival - as picked by a panel of judges. Some a just brilliant one liners...

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

10) Simon Brodkin  - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

_____________________________

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Ha, Ha, Shock, Wow #3

Following on from these postings, here are four more random items (with a sex theme it appears) from the 'net for your pleasure and entertainment...

Ha

Ha

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors: Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a few months before the human urges overcame them and they started doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all of the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She began to think that having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...

So they buried Debbie.

Shock
The vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century. The orgasms helped doctors dissipate anxiety related symptoms.

Wow

Charlie Hunnam (mmmm Queer as folk... so many good memories)

Ha, Ha, Shock, Wow #2

Following on from this posting, here are four more random items from the 'net for your pleasure and entertainment...

Ha

Ha

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Dave.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: “Dave… Dave… Dave, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”

Shock

The first couple to be shown in bed together on TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Wow
Kevin Zegers

Ha, Ha, Shock, Wow

Four random items for your pleasure and entertainment...

Ha

Ha

I felt ill so I went to the doctors.
He told me I had to stop wanking.
I asked why.
He said it's because he's trying to examine me.

Shock

I saw this in London at St Pancras International station.

One of the three bunches of flowers in the pot... a bargain at £35!!!!!

Wow

Julien Quevenne

My favourite jokes (part 1)

Some jokes make me laugh time and time again. I doubt you will agree that they are that funny, but here goes anyway...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"

this one will only work with readers in the UK:

An Eskimo and his son are walking across the snowy tundra
The son turns to his dad and asks “what are we having for dinner tonight dad?”
His father replies: “son, we're having Vera Lynn”
The son looks disappointed....
“Oh no whale meet again!”