From the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:
MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed
Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News:
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common".
Churchtown Parish Magazine:
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only.
And in the Basingstoke & Deane borough magazine (and I found the actual publication online):
* For the benefit of American readers who are misled by the media, there is no such newspaper as "The London Times", it's simply called "The Times" and is 250 years old this year!