Friday, 26 August 2011

Edinburgh - Best jokes 2011

The best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe have been announced (you can see the 2010 best of here)

Top ten best jokes:
1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”

And a selection of the worst (though I think some are still great!):
1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

2. Josh Howie – I've got nothing against the Chinese. Don't get me Wong.

3. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”


  1. I saw the '10 best' above on the BBC website earlier. They all made me smile but Number 7 elicited the widest one.
    I agree that those three of the 'worst' aren't at all bad - the first gets my vote here.

  2. Love #7! Brilliant!!


  3. I liked them all too - even the bad ones. I liked No. 2 quite a lot.