Top ten best jokes:
1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."
10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
And some of the "worst"…
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
Thanks for this, Stephen. I'd heard several of these on the radio but wondered if it was my encroaching senility which prevented me from understanding the words. Sometimes they talk/mumble so fast that I don't catch the punchline. Very frustrating. (Maybe not worth the wait in a few cases but some are pretty good.)
ReplyDelete