Thursday, 26 August 2010

Edinburgh - Best and worst jokes

The best and worst jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe have been announced and there are some great one-liners...

Top ten best jokes:

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And some of the "worst"…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this, Stephen. I'd heard several of these on the radio but wondered if it was my encroaching senility which prevented me from understanding the words. Sometimes they talk/mumble so fast that I don't catch the punchline. Very frustrating. (Maybe not worth the wait in a few cases but some are pretty good.)